Friday, August 26, 2005

Emergency Adds to the List!

I realized today that the list of things that people can stop doing is woefully incomplete without:

Get your ____ on.

Like, so and so is "getting his party on!" or "fine art on!" or "bubbaraygracie's boot to the groin on!"

So the list must be amended as follows:

1) Saying "It's all good." Especially to gloss over a situation that is not good at all.

2) Checking your Blackberry constantly wherever you are.

3) Listening to Jason Mraz. Or worse, dating him.

4) Saying "Getting your ____ on."

5) Riding Vespas

6) Wearing anything with Von Dutch on it -- or frankly, anything that you know darn well that you shouldn't. Like hats that say "John Deere" if you never rode on a mowner.

7) Calling Target "Tar-jay." I'm glad that Meaghan pointed this out, because it's really fucking stupid. Don't do it.

8) Feeling like you should be seen talking on your cell phone. At one time (like, in the last century) this may have made you look cool. Now every cabbie I ride with spends the whole time chatting away on one, and most janitorial workers have them too. It doesn't make you look cool to be the guy pacing back and forth outside a bar talking on one, or showing up at the club talking on one. That doesn't mean you shouldn't use them, just know that it's going to take more to make you look cool these days. Like playing with your Blackberry or wearing a Von Dutch hat.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

I thought that taking over Iraqistan....

....was going to drop the price of gas. I just paid $45 to fill my car all the way up (16+ gallons) with 87. Why, I've got half a mind to march down to the White House or the Capitol and give someone a piece of my mind!

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Things You Don't Need to Do Anymore, Part 1

I'm compiling a list of things that people can just stop doing. Here's the first three things.

1) Saying "It's all good." Especially to gloss over a situation that is not good at all.

2) Checking your Blackberry constantly wherever you are. We all get it. You have a little toy. Cute.

3) Listening to Jason Mraz. Apparently his new album "Mr. A-Z: (get it? get it? get it?) contains the line "I'm the wizard of oooh's and aaah's and fa-la-la's." Is he begging for a good punch in the groin or what?

BTW, thanks for checking on my plants and picking up the mail, boski!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Going Away til Aug. 20

I'll be away on vacation and then work until Aug. 20. Hopefully my readership won't drop from the mid-single digits to the low-single digits when I get back.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Getting Misanthropic? (Hating the Nationals)

I've had to come to grips with the fact recently that I hate the Washington Nationals.

I have nothing personal against these dudes who had been playing to tiny crowds in Canada.

But the way that the people of DC are so gaga over them makes me sick.

I was in favor of bringing a team to DC or a close-suburb for a long time -- basically since I made my first hour long treck from the NATION'S CAPITAL to Baltimore, Md., to watch a game. Or maybe it was when I realized that the trip made it unfeasible to catch a visit by the Red Sox after work. It has also galled me the way that Orioles manager Peter Angelos worked to deny the people of DC a team of their own, and I've hated the Orioles for most of my tenure here.

But the Nationals...where do I start?

Ok, I'll start with the notion that "baseball has finally come back to DC." Yes, the Orioles were a pain to get to, but in the grand scheme of things a heck of a lot closer to the average DC resident than, say, Yankee Stadium to the average resident of Syrcause. It's not like people here had never had the chance to see it before.

Plus the people who have actually lived in town for a long time -- not the transients who come here for a few years to work and then leave -- were around for the Senators leaving at least once. Maybe if those baseball-crazy folks had gone to a few more games, the Senators wouldn't have left twice.

Second, the Washington Post and pretty much everyone else is talking about the Nationals like they have the intelligence of children. Some dope wrote in to the Post to express her excitement about the fact that we finally have baseball here, ticking of reasons including that sports writers finally have the chance to use cliches like "moonshots." Message to you idiots: sports writers have found plenty of gainful employment in the metropolitan area writing about a nearby team. You may have heard of them. They're called the Orioles, and Roidy Palmiero (not to mention Eddie Murray) hit plenty of moonshots.

If that's not bad enough, here's a sample quote from one of those lucky scribes who has finally gotten the chance to view baseball.

"Afterward, they hugged, slapped hands, and lingered in the clubhouse, believing the whole season could run wonderfully along like this."


What makes things even worse is the attachment that people had to the "Nats" before that plucky band of hopefuls had tossed a pitch or hit a moonshot. Not to be a snob, but emotional investment is something that should build over time.

I may be biased, being a Red Sox fan and all that entails, but if you disagree, try looking at it this way: if you met a girl (or a guy) and halfway through your first date, you said "I'm falling in love with you," they would probably write you off as some kind of loser who was a little too clingy, right?

No? Ok, go try that strategy and see if it works. There's a reason that Trent said to play it cool and wait two days to call.

Plus, there are about four people who actually grew up in DC, as like I said earlier, most folks come to work or go to school for a few years and then leave. Message to you people: you came from somewhere else. Presumably, you rooted for some other team for 18 to 30 years or so. Try sticking with it. And Washington Post: stop encouraging this stupid behavior by writing about how these yahoos are living and dying with their Nats, ok?

Anyway, I find the Gnats so annoying that after all this time, I'm tempted to wear an Orioles jersey just to spite their loyal fanbase.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Theo Responds!


Dear Bubba:
Thanks for your telepathic message. It was a big help. I received it in between finishing my jam with several members of Buffalo Tom (one of your favorite bands) and answering a cell phone call from Big Papi (who you would probably give your right nut to meet). I can't thank you enough for your advice. Maybe you can also help me meet some chicks, as this is next to impossible for me, particularly when hanging around in the Boston area.

Your pal,